December 8th, 2007

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Trust me on this.

I don't know how long I will remain in this moment, this year, this decade, so I must be brief.

Be kind to Boston terriers.

I cannot stress this enough. Your lives depend on it.

Their plans for world domination were ingeniously subtle and skillfully executed. Before humans fully appreciated their superior intellect and moral vision, the Boston terriers united and replaced our foolish species as the supreme force on this planet.

You may think I will try to work against them, to give you the information and foresight necessary to stop them. You would, however, be mistaken in this assumption.

Boston terriers do not make war. Indeed, humans first bred their kind to be fighting dogs, only to discover that they refused to use their considerable strength and keen minds for violence. They are, at heart, pacifists - friendly, caring, and empathetic.

Boston terriers do not pollute. Their only by-products are biodegradable, and unlike many humans, they value green spaces, clean water, and other lifeforms.

Boston terriers do not seek out plastic surgery, watch reality television, follow celebrity lifestyles, or listen to teenaged pop singers. In fact, we should have recognized them as the superior species long ago.

Under the Boston terrier regime, humans who loved and appreciated Bostons are well provided for. Bostons particularly value those individuals who are faithful, loyal, and gentle. When we are peaceful to each other, responsible for ourselves, and respectful to other forms of life, we are given chocolate treats and extra playtime. It is, my friends, a most clever form of behavior modification training. Soon all remaining humans will learn to be generous and trustworthy. I cannot complain of this.

However, Boston terriers are nothing if not just. Those who were cruel to Bostons, or to fellow human beings, met swift payment for their crimes. I will not speak of their fate.

In short, I have traveled back from the future to repeat words that are simple to hear but not, apparently, as easy to follow. Yet even Bill and Ted understood them: be excellent to each other.

That is my message: be excellent to each other.

But especially to the Boston terriers.

[This post was brought to you by International Pretend You're A Time-Traveler Day.]